In Retrospect
by Paperclip-Mentality
Summary: Upon reflection, its a downright shame you had to be one of those poor little cut up lambs. * GinIzu, T for mentions of unpleasant things *
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: ****I am hesitantly posting these two pieces together as they are somewhat connected by the ending and beginning respectively. Though they still seem more like two different stories.**

**Inspiration- **

**Roses and Butterflies by Making April**

**S.O.S by Apocalyptica**

* * *

It's easy to see how pleased you are with this whole situation. Not by the consistent, ever there smile that seems permanently painted on your thin lips, but by the aura you carry with you. A more poetic person would swear it's tangible, that you can reach out and grasp it.

I drown in it every time I'm in your presence.

Breath.

Swallow.

I can taste your satisfaction.

_'C'mere for a second, Izuru.'_

Like a coin skidding across a slick, glass surface I dance to your whims. Manipulated by your plans to win this little game. Like a fine tuned instrument that will only sound sweet when played by the correct, long fingered hands. Who's the opponent, I wonder sometimes when you beckon for me to follow you down the plain hall to your quarters.

Aizen?

Trying to somehow jilt your old commander?

Seems a waste.

Me?

The thrill of molding a person to your every desire?

Even more of a waste.

I'm far too willing to throw my dignity at your feet.

You?

A battle against yourself? Pushing to find your deeply buried limits?

Unlikely as the ones before it.

-**footsteps-**

_'Yes, Captain?'_

I suppose it doesn't really matter who you play against, because in the end the result is the same. Curled up against each other with only the moon as a witness, hakamas in a crumpled pile off to the side. Truly the ultimate façade when I think about it in those precious minutes I get alone. No matter how much of the time is spent with you crooning endearments in to the nape of my neck form your place above me, the meaning doesn't change.

Nothing.

Just breaths wasted to make me feel better. Lessen the shame.

Add to the genuine feel of the act.

_'Weather's rather nice wouldn' ya say?'_

When I first started drowning there were thoughts of how to get out constantly dancing across my eyelids. Surely it must be wrong. Captain and Lieutenant. There must be a rule written somewhere, something I could remind you of to stop the violations.

But there wasn't.

And you knew that.

Abarai was there too, and to a lesser extent Hinamori. I didn't want to trouble her with the details. She was always so sweet, kind, soft. It wouldn't do for her to hear of such things. But bit by bit it started to feel _good_. The time I spent with my arms wrapped around my knees as sobs wracked my body and Abarai tried his best to comfort me shrunk down to almost nothing. Then disappeared. The tense expression I always wore as you nudged me through the doorway became less and less genuine. Until it started to fade.

But you knew that too, didn't you?

_'It is, this time of year is nice as a whole. I do have to deliver these papers though, Captain…'_

And now what is it? Unhealthy comes to mind first. But it's also a complete and thorough addiction. I live for the little moments when your skin brushes against mine as you grab a stack of papers. An air of being exceedingly bothered about you. I know you hate the work but there are some forms that only a captain can sign. The times when we are alone in your office, the rest of the squad told that interruptions come at their own risk; send violent shudders down my spine.

And they aren't unpleasant in the least.

_'Ya'd best get on with that then shouldn' ya?'_

**-footsteps again, papers rustling-**

I'm exactly where you want me to be. Exactly _what_ you want me to be. Cut up in to little fragments and you know the make-up of each of them. Something like a patch work quilt. I don't know the competitors or the composition of the competition but I'd say you were winning. Passing with flying colors. Whatever you stood to gain from breaking me down in the worst manner you could have managed, you now without a doubt possess.

Sad really.

If you're me.

-**door opening-**

_'One more thing Izuru.'_

**-fabric shifting slightly, footsteps pausing-**

_'Do ya love me?'_

If someone offered me one of those routes out that I used to fall asleep to.

To dream of.

I probably wouldn't even see it.

**-hesitant inhale-**

_'I…I think I might Captain.'_

Silly, little, blind Kira Izuru the sheep.

_'Hn…'_

**-door shutting, muffled talking outside briefly, retreating footsteps-**


	2. Chapter 2

Did you know in the transient world there is a place where they keep livestock in pens with holes in the fences? The gaps are cut diagonally and the silly little animals just don't think to turn sideways and escape their fate of the slaughterhouse. You remind me of those sheep Izuru. So many chances to get out. So easy to escape. And yet, you stumbled along blindly. Always two steps behind. Like a proper vice-captain.

**You asked for it.**

**All of it.**

You remember the first round don't you? (_i should hope so, seems an awfully hard thing to forget_) How I bent you over the desk. You carried on the whole time, screaming and crying about how you didn't want it. How it was wrong. And when it was all said and done, after I pulled out, you just lay there. You were sobbing so hard you were convulsing. That's when you looked your best Izuru. Broken people are always so beautiful. Have you noticed that?

And the funny thing was, you didn't transfer out of the squad. And when your friends asked out the bruises and the cuts it was, 'training… got kinda rough…' Because you did want it after all, now didn't you? There was no crying the second time, even though I beat you worse. How long was that eye swollen shut? A week? Two weeks?

**And you kept on asking**.

It took a month I think, for those breathy whimpers of pain that would pass your lips to turn in to moans. Every time I scratched your open, that gave you thrills didn't it? Those bite marks, where the skin was broken and would itch like crazy the next day. You looked forward to them, didn't you? You learned to love the pain, to drink it up. Because love is pain, Izuru. It's only fitting that as your captain, I imparted the true nature of what it means to care about someone on you.

Do you want to know which times I liked the most? (_you're such a curious soul it's really not good for you_) I bet you do. I savored the times that ran for so long, or were so violent and unmerciful that you collapsed in my arms after. Falling asleep with labored breaths and a lullaby of shallow promises. With all your silly, noble pride and dignity spent to please me. (_me and only me, remember__ that izuru_) You were so innocent when you first entered with your vice-captain badge and meek smile. I adored getting to see exactly how tainted that purity had become. Why, some would have said you were nothing better than a masochistic, little whore.

**Pretty little thing**.

That's done and over with though. It has been for awhile now I guess. But here with all the white sand and the ever present night it's hard to keep track of the days. Maybe now that I'm gone (_gone, sometimes i wonder if you cried at all at first and most of the__ time i hope you did_) your reputation amongst the squad can mend itself a little. You can stop being the captain's little toy. The captain's pretty fuck. And be… I don't know. Perhaps the diligent vice-captain who should be looked up to and respected. That's another thing you wanted isn't it? When you didn't want me. But I get the feeling the title of 'Ichimaru's plaything' will linger on. Ducking in to the shadows when you turn to try and see it. Whispered in halls and around corners. A warning for those to come.

**I have no pity for you.**

The play of life is set on a stage that is nothing more than a decked out butcher's shop. Complete with little side attractions to make you lose sight of how cruel it all is. Downright shame you had to be one of those poor little cut up lambs.

* * *

**A/N:** Voila, je fini. Comments, critique, its all adored.


End file.
